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[sat mar 18th, 2006 »11:53a] |
okay again
when i fucken send you a message and i am venting in it, it means that i am bothered by something, which i go into detail about for you, and that i need you to comfort me, or say some kind words, and especially acknowledge what is wrong. but you dont even take the fucken time to just read the messages. and i sit here constantly refreshing my page to see if the "sent" changes to "read" next to your message. because yes, it tells me when you read it. so thanks for putting my feelings last.
thats what the matter is.
you dont listen,
you dont pay attention.
and you dont notice a damn thing.
and yes, i have to send you message instead of actually talking to you about things on my mind because even then, its harder to communicate with you. i can never finish what i'm saying without being shot down. and yes, its being shot down.
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[sat mar 18th, 2006 »11:43a] |
you dont even read this anyways.
it was mainly for you. for you to secretly learn about me. because i dont think you know me at all. it was for you. so you could understand me better, like "the guide book to being married to this girl!" so you could understand that i am not this awful person, so you could see the real me, and perhaps fall in love with me all over again, fall in love with me like it was before. so that we could get along better, you were able to gain access to these secret feelings of mine, and swoop in be the my hero, be the perfect guy i need you to be, this was going to make it so easy for you. but you dont even read this. and i told you about it months ago. i gave you the exact link months ago, because you said you cared.
so once you come upon this, dont feel bad. just keep acting like you never read any of it. because i know you never did in the first place. and dont bother now because it wont make any sense. but really, i appreciate the attempt. because during the time that you said you would read this, i wrote wth more passion and heart.
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[sat mar 18th, 2006 »11:33a] |
i am DONE with this so called reinvention of mine. why am i reinventing myself? why am i so unhappy and unsatisfied with who i already am? its not me. its everything around me. i am trying so hard to change myself because i cant change whats wrong around me. and ive come to terms with that. i will never be able to outreach this level of happiness. this is it. this is it.
forever.
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[wed mar 8th, 2006 »8:06a] |
i had another dream. or nightmare you could call it.
i woke up in the grossest sweat ever, my shirt was just about soaked through.
i woke up in the position i'd be in if i was placed in a coffin.
this time, the plot was the same.
how it happened was different.
recap.
paul, conrad, and i went out of town for something.
we ended up at a highschool where conrad wanted to find his new girlfriend. paul was acting weird when we were at the school, looking around, and stuff. i asked him how conrad met the other girl and he said from that one night they went out together, (meaning paul and conrad went out one night without me) and i could tell something was up, he was acting so different, so scared. i asked if there was another girl that night. he didnt answer. i asked again. he looked away. i asked him seven times in a row, practically screaming and he just looked at me. i walked away from him and got myself lost in the school. i decided after about an hour i should go back and find him so we could leave (we were out of town sort of far). it appeared that he was looking for me too. once we found eachother i told him that i wanted to leave and go home, and that he should take conrads car and conrad and his girlfriend can take her car back to warwick, conrad agreed. when we got in the car, i said to him "just tell me, was there another girl, stop holding it back and just tell me now" and after much silence and angst, he said there was. "what happened? what did you do?" at first he said it was some kind of competition, but i dont think thats the right word i'm looking for to explain what he meant, basically he was saying that conrad and him were flirting with these two girls at the living room, and that he held this girls hands, and touched her boobs (i guess as in flirting/playing around) and kissed her. the part that hurt most in the dream was when he said he held her hand. i literally felt my heart drop inside of me. i asked him to be honest with my next question, "did you have sex with her?" he didnt answer, he just fidgeted. "it cant get any worse now paul, just tell me the truth, i deserve to know." he said yes. i didnt even respond. i didnt scream. i just silently wept. cried and sobbed trying not to lose myself in the agony of my heart breaking. once we got home, i got some trash bags. i put all of his stuff in the trash bags. the whole time he was just watching me, saying "mae.." but knowing that was happening was inevitable. i threw the bags over the porch onto the front lawn. we stood at the door on the porch for a little bit, and i said "you're staying with your parents, we need to be seperated right now." he justed looked at me, hurt, he was hurting too, and told me he loved me. i shut the door and went upstairs and call his mom. i told her to expect him to come home with his things for a while and that we were seperated. she was concered and asked why and i told her the truth, "he slept with another person" after that conversation my dream switched from me to watching him at his house. he arrived there and his mother was standing at the top of the stairs and said to him "you are no son of mine" and walked away, he put his stuff in the room that used to be his in the basement. his father came down and grabbed him and shoved him into a wall and started screaming at him "how could you do that?! what is wrong with you! tell me what is wrong with you!" he was shaking him and slamming him into a wall and paul couldnt even speak back, his father said "you disgust me" and he let him go and he went back upstairs. i remember seeing paul sort of slink into a chair and put his head in his hands. i had a flashback in my dream to when just before he left the house, he had asked me "are you still going to wear your wedding rings?" and i said, "we're still married arent we?". after that flashback my dream went back to me, and i was just pacing around upstairs with tears slowly streaming out of my face, i didnt wail, i didnt throw things, i was calm this time, as if i already accepted it, as if i knew it was going to happen, as if i was just accepting that this was my fate. he called me on the phone "mae.." i said, "how could you have sex with her and then sleep with me? do you know how disgusting that is? do you know that you could give me a disease or even take away my ability to have children one day? how fucken selfish are you?! you RUINED my life paul. you ruined it. the past two years are ruined, my hopes my dreams, my future are ruined now." and i hung up. i remember looking online to see if there was anyone i could talk to, i need to be comforted, i needed someone to listen to me, to hug me, and oddly, this was happening during the week leah and steve went away. i had no one to talk to. and i woke up.
this was the most specific in detail dream ive ever had. i cant believe i can remember each word that was said. each feeling, each facial expression. i dont know why i have these dreams. but they say dreams are your deepest fears and wants brought to the surface. and my deepest fear is that. him betraying me. and its not that i believe HE would, i think I just expect something awful to happen to me in my marriage the way it happened to my father in his. my mother cheated on him. never told him. then later on left him. and then sent divorce papers. and moved in with a guy who she was with since i was 2. but they divorced when i was two. i want more than anything to stop having these dreams. but i'm getting used to them now, basically ignoring them. but this one stuck out because it was so goddamn real. and honestly, if you asked me right now, if that really happened, what would i do? would i take him back or would i divorce him? i dont know. i guess i'd have to be in the situation. but i really dont think i could continue a marriage based on lies.
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[thu mar 2nd, 2006 »11:38a] |
its times like these where my reflection says "what were you THINKING!" obviously i wasnt thinking. at all. i am so sick of it. of being second. of it always being this competition anf feeling like all of my efforts, everything about me IS NEVER GOOD ENOUGH THAT EVERYTHING IS JUST WORTHLESS BUT ONLY WORHTY OF BEING COMPLAINED ABOUT. and now i am so violently angry, i need the release of breaking something, throwing something, SMASHING something into a million pieces, punching myself, hating myself, because my WHOLE life ive had to keep my feelings to myself. Ive never had anyone to open up to. and when i try? like giving YOU the link to read private journal entries. it still fails.
i am a failure.
and my efforts will never be appreciated.
EVER
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[wed mar 1st, 2006 »12:22p] |
half of me feels gross
dirty hair
dirty skin
but half of me feels fine with that
i dont need to dress up
or impress anyone
i really dont care to
but i feel gross
but i dont
today feels long
it feels..just yuck almost.
i'd much rather sleep or eat.
definately eat. ugh i am gross.
why is that such a simple thing as an appointment makes me feel like i am rushed and overwhelmed for the day? along with a four hour class to close my night. i despise that class. i wonder if tonight we be the night i walk out. maybe during the break i will leave like someone else did before. but then i'd miss the homework. i dont know. i am all sorts of blah. and my shoulder REALLY hurts right now. really, id much rather just get high, feel a ton better and cuddle with my man. but i am just about out of that stuff and no one is ever reliable enough to buy it from. 5th fire truck today. im out of sorts damnit. is this new medicine fucking with me? i know my body is becoming dependent on it. 6th fire truck. but i dont know. i just feel really weird. like out of place. out of context. unsatisfied with pretty much a lot right now. but not really caring enough to fix it. whatever ill eat more toast. i'm looking forward to 10pm where the boy and i go grocery shopping and have a lazy night and lazy day before classes tomorrow. then after that? we retreat for a day. i live for fridays. i do. except. damnit im working on the only day i value most. but its for four hours and i need those stupid four hours. dafjdakfjakfj im a mess.
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[wed mar 1st, 2006 »8:52a] |
8 am and i am at peak enlightenment. i like to call it that. this journal is becoming even more raw and honest than my regular livejournal thats locked. i can write better when i know there isnt an audience. maybe i will disable comments in my other one. this morning i was sleepy and comfy and ready to fall back asleep after paul left for work. but then i noticed littlebones at our door, acting like a guard dog. it dawned on me, the cats must be up here. they were. so at 7 am i was out of bed. doesnt really bother me, i'm quite awake. it just feels weird to be awake this early, i don't know what to do with my time. the earlier i wake up the more time i have in the day. usually i spend it catching up online, watching some news and writing. but 8:45 just so seems like such an odd time to start writing. i'm going to attempt to do my two papers and critical questions so i can get them out of the way. all of which are due tonight. i have an appointment today to see the eye dr. i'm alittle nervous, i hope they dont have to put that stuff in my eyes. i dont have time to get my xray done today because i have my appt. and then i have class. i need to go tomorrow or friday. or i can go at midnight to a hospital if i really need to. i dont know. i just dont want to wait around for three hours by myself. i could bring a book. okay i am procrastinating. this post is of no real importance, my progress? i'm trying to embrace and improve all at once. we'll see.
i'm inspired though, i have ideas brewing in my head for a book.
p.s. i didnt get to jump any bones. the bones i wanted came home around 11pm and i was already sleeping. which i knew would happen all along.
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[tue feb 28th, 2006 »8:52a] |
i spend too much time online. i cant help it. the postsecret community is full of wonderful nasty surprises. people are gross. really gross. todays post was about the worst thing you've done at your job. most of the answers were, spit in food/use old/dirty food and serve it, sleep with coworkers/managers or anyone in the backrooms/bathrooms/office desks, and steal of course. people are just nasty! i dont think i can eat fast food ever again. i mean people, said they even did these things just because they wanted to, not because a customer pissed them off. alot of them said they dont wash their hands and one girl even said she wipes her tampon all over the bathroom door and toilet. i cant use a public bathroom ever again either now. ew ew ew ew.
i am feeling a little lack of passion,
i am going to jump his bones later tonight.
haha
pssst
if you read that
then you have
something to
think about all day.
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[mon feb 27th, 2006 »8:05p] |
lately i am having a complete love or disgust for food.
i made stuffed shells but for the second time i could not cook them right. i swear its the toaster oven; its not meant for baking stuffed shells. then i made pancakes because i was still hungry, and i made the kind where you need to put in milk and oil and an egg, and that too came out gross, the outside was rubbery. why am i disliking food so much? everything grosses me out. i thought only pregnant women went through this.
i swear my body is changing and i'm aging and growing at a rate that i cannot comprehend. womanhood is sneaking up on me and sadly i do not know a thing about any of it and it scares me to no end.
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[mon feb 27th, 2006 »6:13p] |
as stupid as this feels sometimes, i cant give up. i cant just stop this reinvention, because it's this whole process that will lead me to discover who i really am, which is anyone's ultiamte quest. except right now, i'm in a boat load of pain. i was vacuuming and i must have twisted my back the wrong way bc there is this intense pain on my right bottom side/rib cage, it feels like im holding my breath but only in that area, and like someone is squeezing it, and like it needs to crack or pop, its quite excruiating but i am high so i cannot feel the effects as much i hope its just out of whack and not really messed up. but i swear i sound like a hypocondriac because there is always somthing wrong with me. honestly, i have tears in my eyes, but it always seems like i am overacting, but someone shouldnt feel constant pain all the time.
ive been staying on track pretty much. i'm content with how things are going. my progress with school is going well. this week will be a little tough but i'm pretty sure i can manage. i'm starting to feel alittle more confident in my skin, but thats a progress in itself.
i need to go lay down now.
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