reinvention

Sat, 18 Mar 2006 16:51:30 GMT

okay again
when i fucken send you a message and i am venting in it, it means that i am bothered by something, which i go into detail about for you, and that i need you to comfort me, or say some kind words, and especially acknowledge what is wrong. but you dont even take the fucken time to just read the messages. and i sit here constantly refreshing my page to see if the "sent" changes to "read" next to your message. because yes, it tells me when you read it. so thanks for putting my feelings last.

thats what the matter is.
you dont listen,
you dont pay attention.
and you dont notice a damn thing.

and yes, i have to send you message instead of actually talking to you about things on my mind because even then, its harder to communicate with you. i can never finish what i'm saying without being shot down. and yes, its being shot down.

Sat, 18 Mar 2006 16:41:05 GMT

you dont even read this anyways.

it was mainly for you. for you to secretly learn about me. because i dont think you know me at all. it was for you. so you could understand me better, like "the guide book to being married to this girl!" so you could understand that i am not this awful person, so you could see the real me, and perhaps fall in love with me all over again, fall in love with me like it was before. so that we could get along better, you were able to gain access to these secret feelings of mine, and swoop in be the my hero, be the perfect guy i need you to be, this was going to make it so easy for you. but you dont even read this. and i told you about it months ago. i gave you the exact link months ago, because you said you cared.

so once you come upon this, dont feel bad. just keep acting like you never read any of it. because i know you never did in the first place. and dont bother now because it wont make any sense. but really, i appreciate the attempt. because during the time that you said you would read this, i wrote wth more passion and heart.

Sat, 18 Mar 2006 16:31:01 GMT

i am DONE with this so called reinvention of mine. why am i reinventing myself? why am i so unhappy and unsatisfied with who i already am? its not me. its everything around me. i am trying so hard to change myself because i cant change whats wrong around me. and ive come to terms with that. i will never be able to outreach this level of happiness. this is it. this is it.

forever.

Wed, 08 Mar 2006 13:06:11 GMT

i had another dream. or nightmare you could call it.
i woke up in the grossest sweat ever, my shirt was just about soaked through.
i woke up in the position i'd be in if i was placed in a coffin.

this time, the plot was the same.
how it happened was different.

recap.
paul, conrad, and i went out of town for something.
we ended up at a highschool where conrad wanted to find his new girlfriend. paul was acting weird when we were at the school, looking around, and stuff. i asked him how conrad met the other girl and he said from that one night they went out together, (meaning paul and conrad went out one night without me) and i could tell something was up, he was acting so different, so scared. i asked if there was another girl that night. he didnt answer. i asked again. he looked away. i asked him seven times in a row, practically screaming and he just looked at me. i walked away from him and got myself lost in the school. i decided after about an hour i should go back and find him so we could leave (we were out of town sort of far). it appeared that he was looking for me too. once we found eachother i told him that i wanted to leave and go home, and that he should take conrads car and conrad and his girlfriend can take her car back to warwick, conrad agreed. when we got in the car, i said to him "just tell me, was there another girl, stop holding it back and just tell me now" and after much silence and angst, he said there was. "what happened? what did you do?" at first he said it was some kind of competition, but i dont think thats the right word i'm looking for to explain what he meant, basically he was saying that conrad and him were flirting with these two girls at the living room, and that he held this girls hands, and touched her boobs (i guess as in flirting/playing around) and kissed her. the part that hurt most in the dream was when he said he held her hand. i literally felt my heart drop inside of me. i asked him to be honest with my next question, "did you have sex with her?" he didnt answer, he just fidgeted. "it cant get any worse now paul, just tell me the truth, i deserve to know." he said yes. i didnt even respond. i didnt scream. i just silently wept. cried and sobbed trying not to lose myself in the agony of my heart breaking. once we got home, i got some trash bags. i put all of his stuff in the trash bags. the whole time he was just watching me, saying "mae.." but knowing that was happening was inevitable. i threw the bags over the porch onto the front lawn. we stood at the door on the porch for a little bit, and i said "you're staying with your parents, we need to be seperated right now." he justed looked at me, hurt, he was hurting too, and told me he loved me. i shut the door and went upstairs and call his mom. i told her to expect him to come home with his things for a while and that we were seperated. she was concered and asked why and i told her the truth, "he slept with another person" after that conversation my dream switched from me to watching him at his house. he arrived there and his mother was standing at the top of the stairs and said to him "you are no son of mine" and walked away, he put his stuff in the room that used to be his in the basement. his father came down and grabbed him and shoved him into a wall and started screaming at him "how could you do that?! what is wrong with you! tell me what is wrong with you!" he was shaking him and slamming him into a wall and paul couldnt even speak back, his father said "you disgust me" and he let him go and he went back upstairs. i remember seeing paul sort of slink into a chair and put his head in his hands. i had a flashback in my dream to when just before he left the house, he had asked me "are you still going to wear your wedding rings?" and i said, "we're still married arent we?". after that flashback my dream went back to me, and i was just pacing around upstairs with tears slowly streaming out of my face, i didnt wail, i didnt throw things, i was calm this time, as if i already accepted it, as if i knew it was going to happen, as if i was just accepting that this was my fate. he called me on the phone "mae.." i said, "how could you have sex with her and then sleep with me? do you know how disgusting that is? do you know that you could give me a disease or even take away my ability to have children one day? how fucken selfish are you?! you RUINED my life paul. you ruined it. the past two years are ruined, my hopes my dreams, my future are ruined now." and i hung up. i remember looking online to see if there was anyone i could talk to, i need to be comforted, i needed someone to listen to me, to hug me, and oddly, this was happening during the week leah and steve went away. i had no one to talk to. and i woke up.

this was the most specific in detail dream ive ever had. i cant believe i can remember each word that was said. each feeling, each facial expression. i dont know why i have these dreams. but they say dreams are your deepest fears and wants brought to the surface. and my deepest fear is that. him betraying me. and its not that i believe HE would, i think I just expect something awful to happen to me in my marriage the way it happened to my father in his. my mother cheated on him. never told him. then later on left him. and then sent divorce papers. and moved in with a guy who she was with since i was 2. but they divorced when i was two. i want more than anything to stop having these dreams. but i'm getting used to them now, basically ignoring them. but this one stuck out because it was so goddamn real. and honestly, if you asked me right now, if that really happened, what would i do? would i take him back or would i divorce him? i dont know. i guess i'd have to be in the situation. but i really dont think i could continue a marriage based on lies.

Thu, 02 Mar 2006 16:38:36 GMT

its times like these where my reflection says "what were you THINKING!" obviously i wasnt thinking. at all. i am so sick of it. of being second. of it always being this competition anf feeling like all of my efforts, everything about me IS NEVER GOOD ENOUGH THAT EVERYTHING IS JUST WORTHLESS BUT ONLY WORHTY OF BEING COMPLAINED ABOUT. and now i am so violently angry, i need the release of breaking something, throwing something, SMASHING something into a million pieces, punching myself, hating myself, because my WHOLE life ive had to keep my feelings to myself. Ive never had anyone to open up to. and when i try? like giving YOU the link to read private journal entries. it still fails.

i am a failure.
and my efforts will never be appreciated.
EVER

Wed, 01 Mar 2006 17:22:32 GMT

half of me feels gross
dirty hair
dirty skin
but half of me feels fine with that
i dont need to dress up
or impress anyone
i really dont care to
but i feel gross
but i dont
today feels long
it feels..just yuck almost.
i'd much rather sleep or eat.
definately eat. ugh i am gross.

why is that such a simple thing as an appointment makes me feel like i am rushed and overwhelmed for the day? along with a four hour class to close my night. i despise that class. i wonder if tonight we be the night i walk out. maybe during the break i will leave like someone else did before. but then i'd miss the homework. i dont know. i am all sorts of blah. and my shoulder REALLY hurts right now. really, id much rather just get high, feel a ton better and cuddle with my man. but i am just about out of that stuff and no one is ever reliable enough to buy it from. 5th fire truck today. im out of sorts damnit. is this new medicine fucking with me? i know my body is becoming dependent on it. 6th fire truck. but i dont know. i just feel really weird. like out of place. out of context. unsatisfied with pretty much a lot right now. but not really caring enough to fix it. whatever ill eat more toast. i'm looking forward to 10pm where the boy and i go grocery shopping and have a lazy night and lazy day before classes tomorrow. then after that? we retreat for a day. i live for fridays. i do. except. damnit im working on the only day i value most. but its for four hours and i need those stupid four hours. dafjdakfjakfj im a mess.

Wed, 01 Mar 2006 13:52:08 GMT

8 am and i am at peak enlightenment. i like to call it that. this journal is becoming even more raw and honest than my regular livejournal thats locked. i can write better when i know there isnt an audience. maybe i will disable comments in my other one. this morning i was sleepy and comfy and ready to fall back asleep after paul left for work. but then i noticed littlebones at our door, acting like a guard dog. it dawned on me, the cats must be up here. they were. so at 7 am i was out of bed. doesnt really bother me, i'm quite awake. it just feels weird to be awake this early, i don't know what to do with my time. the earlier i wake up the more time i have in the day. usually i spend it catching up online, watching some news and writing. but 8:45 just so seems like such an odd time to start writing. i'm going to attempt to do my two papers and critical questions so i can get them out of the way. all of which are due tonight. i have an appointment today to see the eye dr. i'm alittle nervous, i hope they dont have to put that stuff in my eyes. i dont have time to get my xray done today because i have my appt. and then i have class. i need to go tomorrow or friday. or i can go at midnight to a hospital if i really need to. i dont know. i just dont want to wait around for three hours by myself. i could bring a book. okay i am procrastinating. this post is of no real importance, my progress? i'm trying to embrace and improve all at once. we'll see.

i'm inspired though, i have ideas brewing in my head for a book.

p.s. i didnt get to jump any bones. the bones i wanted came home around 11pm and i was already sleeping. which i knew would happen all along.

Tue, 28 Feb 2006 13:52:26 GMT

i spend too much time online. i cant help it. the postsecret community is full of wonderful nasty surprises. people are gross. really gross. todays post was about the worst thing you've done at your job. most of the answers were, spit in food/use old/dirty food and serve it, sleep with coworkers/managers or anyone in the backrooms/bathrooms/office desks, and steal of course. people are just nasty! i dont think i can eat fast food ever again. i mean people, said they even did these things just because they wanted to, not because a customer pissed them off. alot of them said they dont wash their hands and one girl even said she wipes her tampon all over the bathroom door and toilet. i cant use a public bathroom ever again either now. ew ew ew ew.

i am feeling a little lack of passion,
i am going to jump his bones later tonight.

haha
pssst
if you read that
then you have
something to
think about all day.

Tue, 28 Feb 2006 01:05:44 GMT

lately i am having a complete love or disgust for food.
i made stuffed shells but for the second time i could not cook them right. i swear its the toaster oven; its not meant for baking stuffed shells. then i made pancakes because i was still hungry, and i made the kind where you need to put in milk and oil and an egg, and that too came out gross, the outside was rubbery. why am i disliking food so much? everything grosses me out. i thought only pregnant women went through this.

i swear my body is changing and i'm aging and growing at a rate that i cannot comprehend. womanhood is sneaking up on me and sadly i do not know a thing about any of it and it scares me to no end.

Mon, 27 Feb 2006 23:13:57 GMT

as stupid as this feels sometimes, i cant give up. i cant just stop this reinvention, because it's this whole process that will lead me to discover who i really am, which is anyone's ultiamte quest. except right now, i'm in a boat load of pain. i was vacuuming and i must have twisted my back the wrong way bc there is this intense pain on my right bottom side/rib cage, it feels like im holding my breath but only in that area, and like someone is squeezing it, and like it needs to crack or pop, its quite excruiating but i am high so i cannot feel the effects as much i hope its just out of whack and not really messed up. but i swear i sound like a hypocondriac because there is always somthing wrong with me. honestly, i have tears in my eyes, but it always seems like i am overacting, but someone shouldnt feel constant pain all the time.

ive been staying on track pretty much. i'm content with how things are going. my progress with school is going well. this week will be a little tough but i'm pretty sure i can manage. i'm starting to feel alittle more confident in my skin, but thats a progress in itself.

i need to go lay down now.

Sun, 26 Feb 2006 15:31:07 GMT

thank you paul
i just realized that last night i heard you using the typewriter. i got so excited once i remembered (just now) and ran to see what you wrote. and it made my heart melt. little things like that mean the WORLD to me and we both know i'm putting it in my journal now. thank you.

Sat, 25 Feb 2006 14:06:08 GMT

sooo
work only gave me four hours for the whole week. nice. not really. as much as i hate working there i still want more than 4 hours a week. i sort of want me 2/3 days like usual. littlebones is trying to pry open the draw to our sofa table. she is persistent. i'm having really really weird dreams. a lot of them take place in school, a classroom/corridor type setting and something odd always happens and i am always surrounded by people, whom i usually dont know. it's just weird. and lately my mom has been at the front of my mind. i keep feeling like she's going to pop up somewhere, like at work, like she's coming here and she's going to come find me and make me see her and want to meet paul and just get involved in my life when its taken me this long to get over the fact that she never was involved in my life. i know she's got to come back to RI sometime, to visit, i know she will, and she will hunt me down, and if i dont anwer my phone, or the emails or letters, i know she will come here and have the nerve to ask my father. she's like that. i can remember when i purposely didnt tell her when my graduation was because i didnt want her to go, and she called the school to find out and actually went. i saw her for 5 mins. was it worth it to her? i dont know. i just really despise her now, and i have this feeling that she brags about me, but in the way that makes her look like a good mother. i dont know. i wish she wasnt on my mind. lately i see a resmblence in my face with hers, i can see myself looking like her and it freaks me out. i dont want to look like her. i also do these little things that she used to do. my looks and traits come from her and my father, so i guess she will always be apart of me, but that makes it that much harder to push her out of my life. i'm not giving into her anymore though. i am not letting her know about my life, my triumphs, or even my failures. she doesnt deserve to know. and i really wish id stop thinking about her so i'm going to stop writng about her now.

moving on. well. i dont know. this whole reinvention thing i've got going on, sometimes it just seems stupid. because the more i think about it the more it doesnt make any sense. why do i want to change myself? well, i'm not really trying to do that. i'm trying to improve myself. but what if there is no more improving, what if, this is it, this IS who i am, and even though part of me hates who I am, maybe I just have to accept it. Or maybe I really can improve myself. i dont know. most of the time im really lost and confused and have no one to talk to about this, no one that understands or that is going through the same thing. and everyone comes to me with their problems, and somehow i can always make them feel better, but myself? that's a losing battle.

Wed, 22 Feb 2006 14:35:56 GMT

i dont know.
things have felt weird lately.
each time i wake up i feel completely confused, almost empty. i feel like there's something i forgot; i'm usually struggling for breath and i'm sweaty as hell; the dream i just had usually makes me feel sick to my stomach or just totally wtf? i dont get it. i never feel refreshed or recharged when i wake up, i feel worse, i feel so groggy, so dead, and it makes me so lazy, that i dont want to do anything but just catch up on the sleep that feel like i didnt even get. makes no sense. it never ever makes sense. and what is wrong with me? i am the queen of procrastination, but i know first hand how great it feels to get stuff done and over with early. today? i have an appt. then i have to go to the school to FINALLY drop my art major, its just a pain in the ass to be there at a certain time to sign a piece of paper, then i have to read some articles and write a paper, some critical questions and then class all night. and work tomorrow morning. more reading. more class. then its over for a few days. and wtf!!! my phone is ringing at 9:30 am and who is it? OLD FUCKEN NAVY OF COURSE. motherfuckers never leave me alone. I SWEAR TO GOD they call me atleast once on each of the days I am not working. And then when I am working they ask me to stay late or come in the next day. here it is the message: Heather the store manager has hours to give out and wants me to work late on thursday and come in on Friday too so I can become certified in DENIM FOLDING SO WE CAN GET MORE HOURS. DENIM FOLDING? someone needs to be CERTIFIED for that? I fucken regret ever applying there. I mean, it's nice to have a job and get a paycheck and the job is a no-brainer. but i work with fuck ups, trashy ass people that cant help but get pregnant over and over again, a fat fucken ignornorant guy who thinks hes better than everyone else and tries to tell me what to do and when to do it when I make more fucken money than him, a couple of managers that are so phoney, they give me hours and then try to give me 30 more on top of the ones they already scheduled me for. and shipment? its fucken tough at 6 am lifting boxes like that. they dont appreciate anything anyone does there. I just want to work my 2 or 3 days a week there and be left the fuck alone. Old navy is NOT my prority. my life is my priority. and that includes my marriage and school. AND THEY DONT FUCKEN LISTEN. I gave them my availability, and I cant work late because I have classes those days, Tues/Thurs, and I AM NOT WORKING FRIDAYS EVER and it says I cant work fridays so why the fuck do they CALL ME EVERY WEEK!!!! Fridays mean SO much to me. Just to have that one full day with my husband, I think we fucken deserve it. I didnt have him for 10 months, all I want is ONE FULL DAY a week with him. So we can actually enjoy our time together and not only have the evening. God Damnit they just pissed me off and put me in a bad mood, who the fuck calls someone on a day that they arent scheduled and cant work at 9:30 am.? My fucken shitastic job that Im stuck at for the next few years. fucken christ. it pisses me off so much. no one ever listens to me or respects me there. I feel so fucken childish and I am older than most of the people I work with. How fucken pathetic!! I want to move. I hate it here, more than anyone knows.

Sun, 19 Feb 2006 15:42:23 GMT

holy crap!!
it's as if i've got this new lease on life.
a clear perception of what it is i want and where i want to be.
i love quick moments of enlightenment. how long shall it last? we shall see. i've got to take a shower and prepare for this could possibly be glorious day. but then again, our days are what we make them.

shh shhh
no, shout shout!!!

secret desire.
when i am in my late twenties, or even early thirties, this is the exact moment i see myself in:

after much success on both of our parts, he taking the IT world by storm, me selling a book and artwork, writing for a magazine, we have purchased a beautiful victorian old style house in NH, the one with the front wrap around porch, a huge front yard and back yard for the many dogs we have, mountain views, woods, nature, and as I am in this house, about to pop out a little bundle of joy from my fat tummy, I am directing the architect we hired to install a crystal chandalier over our bed and over our baby's crib, because that's just the way it has got to be. then we discuss the plans for the new kitchen, it must have the old feel, but new and best appliances.

that is what i want. my love. a house. a family. i think thats the perfect dream. and i know it will happen.
dear paul, i know we dont talk about the future much, but i know good things await us. just you watch and see baby.

Sun, 19 Feb 2006 14:28:50 GMT

losing track;
yesterday at first, was a day of complete emotional turmoil, for whatever reason. but he was so gosh darn sweet and tentative to me, understanding me, and wanting me to be happy. he took me to the bookstore, where he stood patiently behind me as i read all of the titles and bickered with myself about how angry i was that they didnt have 3 out of the 4 books i wanted. After that we had a a cute dinner at Friendly's. That was mainly how we spent out day together, the rest was me reading/journaling and him playing day of defeat. Hey, whatever makes us happy right? I'm happy.

I'm working Mon - 6-10
as well as Thurs - 6-11
no tuesday again, odd, but fine by me.

This week marks the real week of balancing less school and oddly less work, but it's perfect for me. A perfect dose of reality with much time in between to ditch the logical. And I am fine with that. Always have been, always will be; it's apart of who I am. As for school work:

Monday I will write my movie paper and questions on the other articles I have to look up
On tuesday morning before classes, I will read some of the stories over and make some more sound observations. Perhaps rework my awful paper that I got a C+ on? I thought I did really well with that, I really thought I captured the point of the use of setting in that story, but at the end he wrote a note saying I should talk more about the ending. It confused me.

The books that I bought that excite me just to own them are:
Me Talk Pretty One Day - Devid Sedaris. I love this author, he is so witty and writes on a level where I think I almost anyone can secretly relate to. I always forget he's homosexual. Then it dawned on me, he wrote Naked, oh yaaaaah, he's gay. But! The stories are still as profound, I can still relate.

On The Road - Jack Kerouac. Upon searching this author I read that this book was not only a great book, but also so inspirational to others that many have begun their own journey. I look forward to reading this old classic.

Zen 24/7. This is a cute book that has zen for every little mundane thing we do in our daily lives. It's great and very inspirational. It gives me a different perspective on things I normally wouldn't pay any attention to. For instance, I was supposed to nod at the computer, to acknowledge its power and the hands that built it, but I forgot.

Here's to you computer ::nod::

Other than the fact that I feel like I have some sort of nasty drippy boogery sinus cold, things are good;. I have an eye exam Wednesday. I wonder if I really do need glasses. Next Monday I have a physical therapy appointment for my shoulder/back.

Today I want to go to Target and look at the their new Luella (sp?) clothing line, I want to gain a new wardrobe. I think it will help me, because lately I feel like either a little boy trapped in a woman's body or my 18 year old self who hasnt grown up at all. But that's just the thing, I've grown up, but within my mind and soul, not my outward appearance, that is why I still dress the same. The same ratty jeans, falling apart gray converse, small comfy tees, and zip up hoodies. I dont feel the desire to dress the way I feel, cute and confident. But I think a new wardrobe will assist that dilema. I have this plans for a whole new and improved me. I hope I stick with it. But in the end what if I'm just not meant to be improved? What if, this is it? A girly tom boy who you will never be able to guess how old she is, and never believe that she is married. Ugh. I just want to be seen and appreciated for who I really am, and stop receiving comments of disbelief.

Wed, 15 Feb 2006 16:36:16 GMT

i called out of work today.
the storm messed up the shipment days.
now they are on weds and friday, the days i never work.

i'm feeling sort of lost right now. empty and lost. again. my stomach is aching with this intense sharp boiling pain. i just slept four more hours from when i woke up this morning. i'm feeling like doom is headed my way.

i need to focus myself.

today:
pick paul up at 3
class at 5ish
nothing after 10
nothing to wake up for tomorrow
class at 4
after 6 nothing
paulie dayyyyy

simple simple schedule
why am i feeling so lost and as if something is catching up with me? i need to eat and remedy this with an herbal stimulant.

Tue, 14 Feb 2006 02:12:18 GMT

as tonight commences, i am thoroughly proud of myself. i read that long article, wrote a paper on it, as well as a critical question. i am almost caught up. i just have two articles and three questions left. i pampered myself, shower/bath/shaven legs, manicured nails, soft straight hair, clean teeth, soft skin, mudd masked face. i am accomplishing much, and it feels great. now i think i shall read lazily about zen and watch tv.

it all crashes down before it all falls into place again.

Mon, 13 Feb 2006 23:03:28 GMT

progress has been comfortable, rewarding, and productive. surprisingly. i lived today with an air of whim, doing what i want when i want, not starting homework until i feel completely comfortable and relaxed in my skin, taking breaks to day dream, clean, and burst out in energy. i have read three stories, o'connor, oats, and faulkner, i have two old ones to catch up on, but that's not important right now. i researched the wuxia background of the movie, crouching tiger hidden dragon for my paper, and have read one of the articles as well. i feel researched enough to write the paper, but i am not rushing it right now. i have two more articles to read and critical questions to form, but i am not rushing that either. especially since the reading is more complex. i have till wednesday evening. i am going to shower and bathe tonight, primping myself back to my girly ways. i am essentially feeling more comfortable in my skin, believing that its not a matter of pulling anything off, but confidence. that's the ultimate fashion achievement.

confidence. perfect that.

Mon, 13 Feb 2006 13:58:01 GMT

and so the transition is complete. i call myself the ultimate flip flopper. i am dropping my art major. it's too much for me. my first love is the english major. and this art major has completely consumed me and has caused me to fall behind on my english. and this art major, it's teaching me things i dont want to learn, it makes me not want to do graphic design anymore. my art is so free and limitless, and with the art major you have to learn everything, and have some sort of talent for it. well i dont, i have my own talent. i think this is going to be much better for me. the work load wont be double anymore, i wont be as tired, as lost, as worn out. this is the way it should be. i just put too much on my plate, figuring all along i'd be able excell in both. i could if i really wanted to, that's my secret, but the truth is, i dont want to. just because i dont get a BA in studio art doesnt mean that my art isnt any good. heck, there was this guy on iron chef america last night who is well known amazing pastry chef and he never had any professional training. if he can end up iron chef america, with his own pastry business, i can still sell my art. i feel so much better. back to my old self really. the double major thing, especially art, wasnt me, i am not one to be taught how to draw. i create what spontaneously comes to my mind. errnest hemmingway was a drunk. but he's remembered as a famous author. i can be anything.

Sun, 12 Feb 2006 19:18:46 GMT

i'm starting to hate art again.
because i cant grasp the talent for the projects i need to do.
but the main problem is i put too much pressure on myself.
i am going to live and let live. that makes no sense. but it does to me. i am going to do what i can, and so be it. i dont know. i really want to write a book and never have to draw a perspective drawing again. i'm going to give it my all this semester, but i am not an artist, i do not have the crisp clean talent so many others have, i have my own talent, it's abstract, it's mixed media, it's from the heart and this is why i never wanted to major in it in the first place. i feel like i am putting too much on my plate. how can i be taught art? i cant! but it's graphic design i want most, but do i? I dont even know what graphic design entails.

i make these decisions because i build up the pros.
but the cons come around to smack me in the face and then i am left wondering what the hell did i do? the more that i am reading for my lit class the more i love it, the more i am in these art classes, the more i hate it. what's wrong here?

it's as if alaska has moved here.

Sun, 12 Feb 2006 03:03:06 GMT

transpire.

this represents my new beginning. as cheesy at that phrase sounds.
after many breakdown i feel as if a rebirth has happened.
even though i didnt accomplish anything academically today, i got so much more. i spent the day cooking dinners for the week, fresh home cooked tv dinners in a sense, and for dinner i made yummy from scratch mashed sweet potatoes and chicken cordon bleu, only it was based in ranch with paramsean cheese, ham, stuffing, and melted cheese. dessert was french vanilla ice cream, black berries, strawberries and blueberries topped with chocolate and caramel sauce. it made me feel so grounded, so balanced. content content. my shoulder aches but i am content. i think i might read a story for english and watch some tv. tomorrow is my academic day. i shall accomplish so much, i swear it. i know it. believe it.

Fri, 10 Feb 2006 23:59:46 GMT

day two:

to start, day one started with a complete breakdown. a ball of fury and honest attempt broiled with a harsh dose of panic.

it was too much. too much. i started with the bills first. the important documents. it all has a binder. a title. a place. i am content. today we did our tax returns, 1525 to be expected back. that eases my nerves; we can definately afford the trip and then some. we shopped at whole foods, got some great ogranic stuff. also got healthy stuff from stop and shop. i am going to prepare some dinners this weekend and freeze single servings for the week. i am going to nutrionally improve myself as well. i intend to keep up with money market.

i have got to tend to homework, thouroughly
clean the laundry
tidy the house
cook dinners
find some relaxation time to read for pleasure, knit
it is important to keep these things in my schedule, they give me my moments to recharge
plus, i dont have to work tuesday, i do have a doctors appointment, this is good.

i will not miss any classes this week.